Still.

As I begin this post I apologize to my parents and any one else who will be deeply affected, impacted, offended or otherwise.

It’s just that…shit.

Sometimes it hits me hard, the truth that I have a sister whom I loved and who loved me probably more than I loved her (impossible to know) and then I lost her and she is gone and so is the person-sister who I discovered as a young adult was an incredible person and one whom I’d won the lottery by having her born into my life.

We were never enemies.

We were sisters and sister-friends. Not quite three years apart, I don’t remember never having a sibling with whom I shared a room for at least the first five + years of my life.

Childhood, check. Adolescence, check. Early adulthood (adulthood?!), check… ongoing.. or maybe I’m in Serious. Adulthood. Now.

I loved my twenties, although entering them, I had some problems. My late college experience was rough, and I was incredibly relieved when I graduated and could enter a new phase of life surrounded by (mostly) people who did not know me. Post-college, I immediately landed a job, an apartment and a boyfriend. Life was good.

A few years later, the boyfriend relationship disintegrated and I joined the Peace Corps, where I met some of the best friends of my life, and among them, my husband. I cannot capture those two years in words today. Many of the men and women I met I do not see regularly because we returned to homes all across the map. Regardless, they each hold an incredibly special place in my heart.

I was 31 years old and a newlywed when my sister was killed by a truck while riding her bike to work. The accident took place on a day that was completely ordinary, busy and pleasant. While checking e-mail in a comfortable office in an affluent suburb outside our Nation’s Capitol, my father called. My coffee grew cold…and I disappeared from the world where once upon a time everything was ok.

I’m not sure what triggered this tonight. I miss her. I often think of my sister. And yet.

I am deeply sad that she is gone tonight. I feel extremely frustrated that I can’t pick up my mobile or text her or email her about a run that I am planning to do or a situation for which I would welcome her guidance.

It sucks.

Eight years plus and counting.

I know — I know — it’s been a long time. Lots of reason to get over it.

But I miss her. I love her.

Still.

bella

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27 thoughts on “Still.

  1. Beautiful. I had tears filling my eyes while reading this. 8 years doesn’t seem like a long time to miss people we love, some days I’m not sure a lifetime is enough. Thank you.

  2. diahannreyes says:

    Beautiful. So sorry for your loss.

  3. Susan Housholder says:

    Sara, that was soooooooo powerful. We think of Liz so often and miss her always. She was such a beautiful person both inside and out. It was a true honor to have had her in our lives. To this day, she still touches so many lives in ways we could never imagine. She is with us still……and always.

  4. Mom says:

    I have been missing Liz so so much in the past few days……thank you for an emotional and loving and precious writing..

  5. p dunham says:

    Really, not lots of reason to get over it. Never. And thanks for reminding me of that. We always have a relationship with the one we’ve lost. It continues. Just a fact.

  6. paralaxvu says:

    You never get over losing a loved one. If any good whatsoever comes out of it, it’s that you love your pother loved ones even more and never forget to tell them so as often as possible.

  7. Melissa says:

    Me too. All the time. Still…..love you guys. Know you are not alone but no one can experience exactly what you are.

  8. Dana says:

    Eight years, 20 years…no matter how much time passes you will always love her and will always miss her. You will get through it (you have been for 8 years), but getting “over” it…what does that even mean? You are doing the best you can. I admire how open you are and I wish I was a fraction as strong and as inspiring as you. Sending hugs from afar, my friend.

    • skpadilla says:

      Sigh. Thank you my dear friend. I think that getting over it wasn’t the best choice of words… it is more of through it process, isn’t it? Lots of love to you!

  9. Becky says:

    The picture of her is perfect – it’s so Liz. Thank God I have you – who can relate to so much of how I feel. We had such an incredible sister in between us – and we did win the lottery on that one. The grief stays with us – no doubt about that. I think you can help a lot of other people with posts like these. Thank you….

  10. shreejacob says:

    I’m sorry for your loss. I think you’re brave to still move on with your life and missing someone will always be there. It’s doesn’t mean that you haven’t moved on.
    It’s my sister and I only, there have been times I’ve thought about what if one of us has to leave…it scares me.

  11. I’m so sorry. Wishing for peace in your heart.

  12. elinwaldal says:

    Grief is so painful…I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It is hard in our culture too because people expect us to return to the way we were before our loved one died and that isn’t possible. It is a new normal and it is made lighter when our friends and family embrace us as we are–pain and all. I hope you continue to express yourself without the worry of burdening others, your courage may help to lead others to express themselves too. Wishing you only the best.

  13. daniheart21 says:

    You don’t ever have to GET OVER IT! We all grieve in our own time and space and way. Some losses are harder than others, but hard is hard. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there. Maybe do something that commemorates her once a year…not on the tragic day but on a day that means something to you both. Hugs

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