Unexpected gifts

Flooded with love, missing, and the power of sibling relationships. Knowing just how powerful they are is priceless, inspiring, threatening, heartbreaking.

Yesterday I crashed momentarily under a wave of big emotion that arrived on the shores of my humanity unexpectedly and it’s just too much and suddenly I was drowning without water. My head spun and parted and collapsed angrily and heavily into two opposing sides. They yelled at each other for a while.

Team One: Don’t you want to remember? vs Team Two: Can’t you just shut it down and keep on GOING?

I’m working on consolidating the Teams to bring about collaboration and good dialog. This sounds rather vague, but know that I am taking steps to make it true. I am working toward helping Memory and Sadness co-exist with Truth and Today in a positive and beautiful way.

Today has been another thing altogether. Today was completely different from Yesterday.

Walking my son to school on a foggy morning was quiet and lovely. Mid-day I relaxed as I listened to the voice of a friend on the other end of the phone, and a few hours later I  received an unexpected gift from this friend that will allow me to spend three (THREE!) nights away from my family with women without whom life would be much less entertaining, compassionate, interesting and appealing.

I am filled with the power of friendship love for the women in my life who are held in my heart from beginning to forever. Together we share our experiences – some common, others not -of  family, work, food and fitness, parents and parenting, and those troublesome and tricky issues that sound a lot like sex, money and politics.

Sometimes we just drink margaritas. Or drink just one more half full glass of wine. And we talk about nothing, and everything.

Yesterday I collapsed inward while shaking with the memory of sister love because notes of brother love sunk into my soul and inspired me to write the words I scribbled above, trying to capture what it means when someone for whom you cared deeply and yet took for granted despite madly loving her and she is taken away.

Today I regrouped, spoke to a clinical neuropsychologist about an emerging personal research opportunity, and worked on an interesting assignment on behalf of a talented colleague. The hours passed rapidly and well.

At four o’clock daycare called to let me know my littlest guy had a fever of 101 and I switched gears again. I will sleep tonight at the mercy of children’s ibuprofen and space heaters after just the right mix of good night stories and hugs. With my husband away at a nice business hotel and I in my cap yoga pants, we will all settle down for a long winter’s nap.

And as we begin again, tomorrow, I wonder if both unexpected soul-bearing sadness and joyful surprises may present a trend this season.

Either way, I expect uncertainty. I attempt to embrace the unknown. I welcome the reality that is my experience, knowing that it always brings the thinking and the wondering and the healing and the writing.

The candles in my living room cast a gentle light, creating sweet shadows that linger as twilight sinks into darkness and children fall asleep.


17 thoughts on “Unexpected gifts

  1. p dunham says:

    Sleep well, Sara. You are a treasure.

  2. Sue Housholder says:

    Wishing you peaceful sleep, Sara. That was beautiful.

  3. Claire Duval says:

    Thank you for your words. They touched my heart tonight reading them. I lost my brother in January of this year and recently, my dear friend. It has brought some light back in for the coming holidays. This is such a journey.

  4. paralaxvu says:

    Reblogged this on paralaxvu and commented:
    This writer/blogger always fills me with hope and compassion, even on my darkest days. I hope her words will touch the hearts of all my blogging buddies who seem to be having more than a few days of darkness.

  5. paralaxvu says:

    It seems there’s a lot of darkness and depression going around a lot of blogs these days. I’ve reblogged this on mine to show others there’s always hope and sunshine. Especially in your writing.

  6. Azara says:

    Yes – every day is a chance for a new start.

  7. Very heartfelt piece. It tugged my heart and spoke to me more than you know. Thanks for sharing!

  8. Lovely sentiments. I love the way you write about the women in your life and how important they are to you. We carry on as we must. Nice post.

  9. Emma says:

    Memory and sadness must coexist sometimes. I certainly understand that. I collapse inwardly often, though not as often as I used to for the sake of my daughter. It’s a long story I won’t go into in a comment. It was nice to read your post. I’m not alone.

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