This is about that time of the year when I typically start freaking out.

I do this internally, unconciously, and regretfully. I should always see it coming, but I confess that I choose to close my eyes.

I sense its approach. I am the deer who freezes when the hunter grows near.

I know it’s coming.

One more year has almost gone by. In this year I have experienced great joy, closeness, laughter, and the chaos that accompanies a family in its learnings and growings.

Both stillness and movement bring me to a place where I feel real and alive and good. Knowing this, I strive to make time for meditation and time for running.

But in this moment, my body reacts even before the mind. The anniversary of her leaving us — leaving me — creeps closer and closer until I am forced to admit that she is gone.

I understand the definition of post-traumatic stress. I really do.

Before my glass is empty, I long for another drink.

I wish I could learn to lean on others more than I do, but I cannot.

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16 thoughts on “PTSD

  1. Greg says:

    I do not know that the effects of PTSD can ever be fully escaped; It has tormented me for over 27 years. Mine from combat, yours from something else.The truth is, it’s all combat – just different scenarios. The body DOES react, without asking your permission, or giving you any advance warning. I do not know who has left you, but the trauma attached to the loss does not care. You do not know me, but you can lean on me. Blessings to you. Be strong – live in faith.


  2. paralaxvu says:

    You ARE leaning on others when you share your posts about her. You are leaning as well as you can, and Greg’s comment proves that your leaning works. I don’t know if you’ll ever not look forward with dread to that anniversary every year, but know that every anniversary will pass and joy will once again return. It’s called the cycle of life. Sometimes it’s the shits, but it’s all we’ve got. I’ll be thinking of her this year as well. And you. And offering my terry clothness.

  3. It’s hard to lean on others. PTSD sucks. It sneaks up on you just when you think you have it beat.

  4. Robbie says:

    Thank you for sharing this. funny how certain things sneak up on us..things that we should see coming and brace ourselves for.

  5. Wow – what a powerful piece. Your emotions are so strong in it. I am so sorry for your loss.

  6. Michelle says:

    Prayers…almost 14 years since the death of our daughter and I still react to this time of year…thankfully it has gotten better over the years.

  7. Mayor Gia says:

    Aww, I’m sorry. How hard for you 😦

  8. streetlightsimagination says:

    I know this feeling. Intimately.

  9. I am filled with gratitude to have come across this post via Yeah Write. I recently wrote about PTSD after experiencing a flashback and have not yet totally shaken it. Sharing our stories is truly healing. I was glad to read that you are taking care of yourself and have had a good year–inspiring.

  10. colourtheday says:

    Know the feeling! Thanks for posting, sorry this is so hard for you!

  11. […] momentarily under a wave of big emotion that arrived on the shores of my humanity unexpectedly and it’s just too much and suddenly I was drowning without water. My head spun and parted and collapsed angrily and […]

  12. Deshawn Ontiveroz says:

    The Vietnam War is one part of our dark history, an infamous conflict during the early 70s. This is a military event between the Communist forces of North Vietnam supported by China and the Soviet Union, and the non-communist forces of South Vietnam which was supported by the United States. It was a fierce battle between the Vietcong forces and the U.S Troops which ended after the Fall of Saigon in April 30, 1975.-

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